you may want to check out www.kitchenstoriesandbusrides.co.nr
i feel the urge to cook.. nyehehe
currently reading Sweet Dream’s maiden issue “PS I Love you!” (1981).. haha!
heard my fave emo song.. ewwww…
piz awt!
ishmyl! Ö
I never realized I could get into this phase… whew! How pathetic could one get from not knowing what to do with her life? Yeah, the feeling is, your this “larger than life” person just standing in the middle of the road..just standing there… letting everything pass you by…
But the question is, do i really don’t know what do? Or have I just missed the chances?
Scatterbrain syndrome- had the thought that I have done so much only to find out that at the end of the day, I haven’t really finished a single thing at all.
This is just a phase. Only a phase. In transit. I hope so…
I’ve read this article somewhere.. sounds true to me…
The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown
It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn’t know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren’t so great after all.
You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Notice the bold ones.
Alright then, whatever I’m feeling right now, i think it’s cool! Surprisingly arousing! It’s a sweet realization that anything can be possible to anyone. Even to a quasi-control freak like me. In a time when I feel I have no choice, I could either laugh or cry about it! Ha!
This shall pass.. And I’m gonna miss it when it does.
Sept. 22, 2008
It’s almost sundown when we went to Intramuros. Oh, did I say we? Yeah, Bon, invited me while i was in the verge of an impending comatose on a cloudy Sunday afternoon. It was my first time to go there having seen it just recently at a Saturday morning children’s program. And I did want to go there.
Getting there was just a quick ride. Thanks to LRT2, it only took about 15 minutes or so from Gil Puyat to Central station. Bon met me down the station and here we go… There’ll be a relatively short walk from the station to Intra, getting past a church, a park with the usual fanfare of people and a cornucopia of street foods.
At last, I saw that arc embossed with the letters (sheesh, dunno can’t recall the font..) I-N-T-R-A-M-U-R-O-S on it. That must be the walled city. Aha! That fortress city which our dear spaniard friends built. Actually, I didn’t know what to expect on the place. No preconceived idea of what it might look like.
We already ran out of daylight when we arrived there. I can barely see the texture and the color of the corroded walls except that they’re walls, tall walls, like wailing walls with a gloomy feeling effect.
We passed by a nearby fastfood chain which surprisingly, was also built in some old-fashioned way and dispassionately munched some burgers so as to provide us energy for a walk back to memory lane.. argghh!
Sitting atop those walls gave me the city’s evening panoramic view with its power lines and night lights, the manila city hall’s clock tower that marked 6:05 and the silhouette of people. Bon was busy taking pictures, perfect, panoramic shots, ha! While I sat there randomly thinking what was life before mine; what was I before I ever came to breathe and had this thing called life and if there is ever a stuff called reincarnation. Errrr… The cold wind blew past through me and my eyes were then fixed on that dimly lit pathway. I guess I’ve already developed this penchant for empty pathways. Don’t know what it means to me yet but I will find out… but it was always such a beautiful sight.
We walked on going from one corner to another, occasionally humming songs, passing through anciently-named streets, antique buildings with their well-preserved wood carvings, road works made of cobblestones that seemingly laid flat hard for almost half a century.
Almost everything looked old but it gave me a different, new feeling. It’s almost indescribable I would say, and I realized (which I oftentimes did), a part of what happened in the past will always hurt, but it will always take part of how and what we have become today. The streets we walked may be dangerous then, but when you look at it now, you will still be profoundly amazed. Those old houses or buildings, perhaps never looked the same as how they were originally built during the Spanish era, a part may have been ruined, destroyed yet they remained closely to how they were before. Some of them were rebuilt; yes. Yet they’re still classically beautiful.
We had a sumptuous dinner after.
“You can’t see through the wall, can you?”
** Few days left and i won’t anymore be singing wolfgang’s 24…. I’m gonna miss humming it during my solitary lazy walks… It’s time to cross fade with the Four Non-Blondies… nyarrrrssss…
** Eheads craze… no need to say more… just reminded me of my freshman days… the inhibited teeny bopper with the bangs and her over-sized multi-colored backpack…
** I’m going home and I’ll be cooking.. invite old friends over.. food, drinks, stories galore..
** Rebuilding - whatever that means… all and everything.
from Thus Spake Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche,
….
this actually a part of the prologue
Zarathustra, however, looked at the people and wondered. Then he spake thus:
Man is a rope stretched between the animal and the Superman–a rope over an abyss.
A dangerous crossing, a dangerous wayfaring, a dangerous looking-back, a dangerous trembling and halting.
What is great in man is that he is a bridge and not a goal: what is lovable in man is that he is an OVER-GOING and a DOWN-GOING.
I love those that know not how to live except as down-goers, for they are the over-goers.
I love the great despisers, because they are the great adorers, and arrows of longing for the other shore.
I love those who do not first seek a reason beyond the stars for going down and being sacrifices, but sacrifice themselves to the earth, that the earth of the Superman may hereafter arrive.
I love him who liveth in order to know, and seeketh to know in order that the Superman may hereafter live. Thus seeketh he his own down-going.
I love him who laboureth and inventeth, that he may build the house for the Superman, and prepare for him earth, animal, and plant: for thus seeketh he his own down-going.
I love him who loveth his virtue: for virtue is the will to down-going, and an arrow of longing.
I love him who reserveth no share of spirit for himself, but wanteth to be wholly the spirit of his virtue: thus walketh he as spirit over the bridge.
I love him who maketh his virtue his inclination and destiny: thus, for the sake of his virtue, he is willing to live on, or live no more.
I love him who desireth not too many virtues. One virtue is more of a virtue than two, because it is more of a knot for one’s destiny to cling to.
I love him whose soul is lavish, who wanteth no thanks and doth not give back: for he always bestoweth, and desireth not to keep for himself.
I love him who is ashamed when the dice fall in his favour, and who then asketh: "Am I a dishonest player?"–for he is willing to succumb.
I love him who scattereth golden words in advance of his deeds, and always doeth more than he promiseth: for he seeketh his own down-going.
I love him who justifieth the future ones, and redeemeth the past ones: for he is willing to succumb through the present ones.
I love him who chasteneth his God, because he loveth his God: for he must succumb through the wrath of his God.
I love him whose soul is deep even in the wounding, and may succumb through a small matter: thus goeth he willingly over the bridge.
I love him whose soul is so overfull that he forgetteth himself, and all things are in him: thus all things become his down-going.
I love him who is of a free spirit and a free heart: thus is his head only the bowels of his heart; his heart, however, causeth his down-going.
I love all who are like heavy drops falling one by one out of the dark cloud that lowereth over man: they herald the coming of the lightning, and succumb as heralds.
Lo, I am a herald of the lightning, and a heavy drop out of the cloud: the lightning, however, is the SUPERMAN.–
Some excerpts from Paulo Coelho’s…
"Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realise that nothing really belongs to them. And if nothing belongs to me, then there’s no point wasting time looking after things that aren’t mine; its best to live as if today was the first (or last) day of my life."
- "I can choose either to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It’s all a question of how I view my life."
- "Some people were born to face life alone, and this is neither good or bad, its simply life." (am I one of those?)
- "But life was teaching her - very fast - that only the strong survive. To be strong, she must be the best, there’s no alternative". (music interlude: Flaw-only the strong survive…)
- "I’m not a body with a soul, I’m a soul that has a visible part called body."
- "A man doesn’t prove he’s a man by getting an erection. He’s only a real man if he can pleasure a woman. And if he can pleasure a prostitue, he’ll think he’s the best lover on the block."
- "… but there’s always one woman who frightens them (men) and forces them to submit to her caprices." (Maria, wondering how all her clients seem to be ‘afraid’)
- "Eleven minutes. The world revolved around something that only took eleven minutes." (The accompanying para is amazing, its too long to type though)
- "Human beings can withstand a week without water, two weeks without food, many years of homelessness, but not loneliness. Its the worst of all tortures, the worst of all sufferings."
- "That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."
- "Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it. But in order to do that, we need the other person. The universe only makes sense when we have someone to share our feelings with."
- "Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path."
- "Each day I choose the truth which I try to live. I try to be practical, efficient, professional. But I would like to be able always to choose desire as my companion. Not out of obligation, not to lessen my loneliness, but because its good. Very good."
- "If you want to achieve your objectives, you have to be prepared for a daily dose of pain or discomfort. At first, its unpleasant and demotivating, but in time you come to realise that it’s a part of the process of feeling good, and the moment arrives when, if you don’t feel pain, you have a sense that exercises aren’t having the desired effect." (i need this…)
"Oh, so you want to think that, do you? All right then, do what you like, while I get on with more important things." (Maria, to herself, when her heart complained about the absence of her love)
- "The art of sex is the art of controlled abandon."
- "…, it’s (pain) a very powerful drug. Its in our daily lives, in our hidden suffering, in the sacrifices we make, blaming love for the destruction of our dreams. Pain is frightening when it shows its real face, but its seductive when it comes disguised as sacrifice or self denial. Or cowardice. However much we may reject it , we human beings always find a way of being with pain, or flirting with it and making it a part of our lives." (I think this is my invisible best friend..)
- "Pain and suffering are used to justify the one thing that brings only joy: love."
- "No one around me is happy; the clients know that they are paying for something that should be free, and thats depressing. The women know that they have to sell something which they would like to give out of pleasure and affection, and that is destructive." (Maria, in a diary entry).
- "Life is too short, or too long, to allow myself the luxury of living it so badly." (The same diary entry)
- "In all languages in the world, there’s the same proverb: "What the eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over". Well, I say there isn’t an ounce of truth in it. The further off they are, the closer to the heart are all those feelings we try to repress and forget. If we are in exile, we want to store away every tiny memory of our roots. If we’re far from the person we love, everyone we pass in the street reminds us of them." (Maria, quoting a priest in her diary).
- "Its odd how, when you live in a city, you always postpone getting to know it and usually end up never knowing it at all."
it’s just so funny… weird… yet, I can manage to smile…
I’ll always be grateful…
[[[how i wish...]]]
I got a way I can find you,
Down the melody ranch, I know you’re there most everyday,
That’s where you like to spend some time alone.
I need to talk to you,
Tell you what I feel, like warm hellos in the morning mist,
And you’re the magic that turns my heart around.
Seems to me, we’re really living way too fast,
Oh when we should let the story of love last,
Sometimes I just want to go and drift away…
And move onto some forty mile town.
I got a way I can see you,
Close my eyes and start to watch the ancient waters flow,
Like a crystal dance that paupers know so well.
That’s the way kings keep dreamin’,
Hold their head up high and live below forty mile skies,
The way that it can be in ocean towns.
Things of this world, guess we never really own;
Oh that mountain falls, and then we’re goin’ home.
We should try to make the best and get away…
And work on towards a forty mile town.
Seems to me we really need to feel love more,
Oh, an ordinary smile opens the door.
Sometimes all I want to do is dream away…
And wake up in some forty mile town
Here’s something from The Vagina Monologues writer… I’m posting it here so i too could read it anytime…
Real security means contemplating death, not pretending it doesn’t exist. It means not running from loss, but feeling it, surrendering to sorrow, entering grief.
Real security is not knowing something when you don’t know it.
Real security cannot be bought or arranged or accomplished with bombs. It is deeper. It is a process. It is the acute awareness that we are all utterly interdependent and that one action by one being in one town has consequences everywhere.
Real security is the ability to tolerate mystery, complexity, ambiguity—indeed hungering for these things.
Freedom means not being owned, not occupied, not bought.
Freedom means finding the place in me that connects with every person I meet rather than thinking of myself as different, better or on top.
Freedom is not knowing where you are but being deeply there.
Not waiting for someone to save or rescue you or heal your terrible past but doing that for yourself.
Not putting your flag in the ground.
Being willing to get lost.
Living without borders and passports.
Evolving.
Becoming.
Freedom is about being vulnerable to one another, realizing that our ability to connect is more important than feeling secure, in control and alone.
Kay gani ako napaslawan…
natuyo na ako
kag galingin ang akun ulo
Apan maayo lang wala ako
ginagutom…
biskan hilaw na paho
ako gakahidlaw
kinilaw na lilang nga ginabaligya
sa higad baybay
lintian wala na takon katilaw…
i’m back to the apartment again… back to work…
had a great, gluttonous/sleep-all-day weekend:
had another Quiapo escapade last saturday… made chika with the teens.. heart to heart talk with some of the staff.. i learned to be awake for 24 hrs every weekend, yay! that’s the most exciting part of it all, my mind gets sluggish though. hey, at least for now, I got some lists of activities to do for the youth and im excited about it…the bottomline is … there are just so many people in this world who need somebody else’s help and we’ve got to do something about it…
…spent the sunday at karla’s.. enjoyed the luxury of sleeping, eating maimai’s french toast (wanna have it again..), mr chips.. D.I.Y. henna tattoos, feeling like gaga over tv ( cooking shows galore)… saying hello to the toilet bowl; and not necessarily taking a bath (oh yes!!).. a sumptuous dinner, mai2 cooked chicken curry, nyumnyum..we’d be sad if she’d finally go back to iloilo, goin back to sleep after… and absent-mindedly remarking that indeed, (wo)man is hedonistic by nature.. who wants pain anyway?? (aheheheh)
———
hey i got a friend who’s looking for a date for her birthday, so, as my gift to her, I’m looking for someone who’s got that massive sex appeal, to die for looks (hahahah!) and with an extraordinary competence for intellectual intercourse and most of all, someone who’s got some bucks in his pocket.. age? someone between 25-32 (aheheh)
if you think yer qualified or know someone who is, feel free to send me a message.. orayytt?! (the hiring is due after a week )
peace and love everyone!!!!
love, if it’s worth it, will direct its course to you..kahlil gibran
everything has beauty..but not everyone sees it..confucious
